The real power of the polyamorous experience, for me, is the way that it has developed my ability to see people not just in terms of my needs, but in terms of what makes them happy. I had to ask myself why my partner being with someone else made me unhappy sometimes, and the only answer was either I wasn’t doing something that made me happy, so I was jealous, or I feared losing them. I suppose when we fear losing someone we can hold on tighter or setup rules etc. That is the normal monogamous approach, I suppose, and it can work, but it doesn’t allow for genuine growth. Setting controlling rules around my partners just seemed to lead me away from trust, communication and having my needs ‘really’ met. I feel if there is genuine communication then there is no need for rules like this. Real love and consideration from your partner will mean that they won’t just do things without considering you.

Graham Nicholls